I’m usually droll and sarcastic about parenting but I’d like to rave for once about children. You see, children can get you out of commitments and responsibilities you do not want.
Children are not only an excuse to leave work early, they’re also an excuse not to come into work at all. Children give you reasons to quit drinking, but also reasons to drink. Hell, in New Zealand the minimum age at which a child can be charged with murder is 12. I say if you murder somebody, put it on the kid’s tab.
Here are ten more ways your children can help you lead a more selfish life:
- Getting out of church – if you sign your kid up for Sunday morning swimming lessons, God doesn’t make you feel as guilty about not going to church
- If you overfeed the goldfish and it dies, tell your wife the kid did it.
- Getting out of meetings – If you answer your phone in a panicky voice and use the diminutive version of your kid’s name, like saying “Nathaniely? WHAT’S HAPPENED TO MY NATHANIELY? TELL ME!” your boss won’t stop you if you walk straight out of work and don’t return for a while.
- Getting out of flirting – since no hot woman wants to hook up with a married dad, your mates can no longer criticise you for failing to flirt with a hot woman when you encounter one.
- Avoiding healthy eating. Sometimes the kids leave excellent stuff in their lunchboxes, like Tim Tam biscuits. Stuff your face with ‘em til you’re too full to eat salad because We have a rule in this family, and we don’t waste food.
- Getting out of library fines – Hire all books on your kid’s library card. If you love one of the books, never return it. The library won’t have the heart to ban a child from the library. NOTE: I am banned from several libraries.
- Avoiding exercise. Rub pollen in your kid’s face until he/she develops an allergy, then you’ll always have an excuse to lie on the couch watching entire series of shows.
- Getting your kid out of school –The second-best feeling in the world after getting out of school yourself is getting someone else out of school. Cough in your daughter’s face til she gets sick. Pick her up early the next day. Stuff your faces with McDonalds outside the school gate, pretending the school is a prison and you’re the hero from The Shawshank Redemption.
- Avoiding being in a sports club. Sign your kid up for rippa rugby. Be on the sidelines cheering every Saturday. When you walk into work on Monday you can now tell people about “The big game on Saturday” and they’ll assume you survived 80 minutes of manly rugby.
- Getting out of sex – No man in history has ever said “I don’t feel like sex tonight, we might wake the kids,” but … yeah actually nah. Don’t do this. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’ll regret not having more sex in your life.