So-called parenting advice
By Michael Botur
Thanks to my pop Christopher Herbert Alfred Botur, I can scale mountains, cycle 40kms, split firewood with a single axe blow, and win pub sports from snooker to chess to darts. Chris Botur schooled me on Monty Python, Stevie Wonder, J R R Tolkien and everything else he’s into. He created a friend who he can force to sit on a couch and watch an entire Men Behaving Badly box set.
Yes, being a father is about isolating yourself month by month as all your personality is concentrated into your progeny, your scion, your mini-me.
Dad was right: little boys should have no free will. We created our sons to be sponges, soaking up their dad’s obsessions. Now that I’m a father, here is the brainwashing I have planned for my sponge.
CULTURE FOR MY CLONE
Moogs, MacGyver, and ass-kicking archaeologists: my five-year-old son Abe needs to know the 1980s were the peak of Western civilisation. I want Abe admiring the artwork on Garbage Gang cards. I want Abe to learn the air guitar solo on Sweet Child of Mine. I want Abe reading Hellraiser by age 7. And when he hasn’t had enough horror, I’ll make Abe endure a Phil Collins concert film while sitting on his daddy’s lap all Sunday afternoon, just like I had to.
SPORTS FOR MY CLONE
If the sport contains violence, I want Abe to be a fan. Rugby? Check. League? Yup. Wrestling? Definitely. Soccer? Only if there’s a hooligan riot afterward.
As for boxing, I won’t allow Abe to go out and play with his friends until he can name all the world boxing titles Anthony Joshua holds at any point in time.
Marked-down Rebel Sport garb is the height of style for me, so that’s where I’ll be dressing the boy his entire life. Also: Star Wars boxer shorts from K-mart.
The boy needs to value holding doors open for ladies; helping people carry furniture when they’re moving in next door; obsessing and binge drinking for months when some stranger online criticises you.
FORDS VS HOLDENS
I can’t believe in 2017 this is still an issue. How narrow-minded are some people? Will the world really stop spinning if people say one car over another? Must two virtually identical four-wheeled hunks of metal really be so divisive? Honestly, just stop absurd questions like this designed to make people feel partisan. I’m sick of it and I don’t want my son ever to be asked to choose. Clearly, the answer is Holden.