DIY dad - NZDads1 – Waterblasting the driveway – Plug in your waterblaster, uncoil the hose and pinch out all the knots, clear the driveway of Lego and Hot Wheels cars. Turn the tap on. Keep the waterblaster nozzle aimed away from face. Let your five year old have a turn shooting the waterblaster with his skinny little arms. Watch your five year old get knocked off his feet by the kickback/recoil. Tell him that a plaster won’t help his injury. Negotiate for ten minutes. Shout loud enough for the neighbours to phone CYF. Apologise. Agree to give him a kiss. Lay awake all night worrying your son’s gonna grow up to be a pussy.

2 – Painting the guest room – Sand walls; paint undercoat; paint two top coats. Your son can play in the mud outside, flicking dirt from the wheels of his diggers so the dirt gets stuck in your wet paint. Let the dumptruck under the rear wheel of your car continue “sleeping.” Forget about it when you head back to work in February. Pulverise the dump truck. Give the kid a time out if he cries too much.

3 – Weeding the garden – It’ll be a bonding experience. Sweating together, digging holes, finding lost toys amongst the oxalis weeds, then father and son can cool off together in the shade of an afternoon tree, sucking ice blocks. Or not. Probably the weeds will be too harsh on your son’s soft Zoolander palms and he’ll run and hide under his bed.

4 – Mowing the lawn – Too loud for his delicate ears, apparently.

5 – Laying paving stones– I’m telling you your plastic tractor can’t handle a 20 kilo paving stone. Fine, dump the paver on it. See? Crushed. Written-off. That’s $15 down the toilet. Are you crying again? I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

6 – Washing the 4×4 together – After a long, dusty drive back from camping, the Land Rover’s going to need a good old lather then a blast with the hose before a loving polish with a $10 chamois. What are you doing? Are you eating furry breath mints from under the driver seat? GO TO YOUR ROOM.

7- Patching the tyres on the family bikes so you can all go on a nice bike ride together – If you’re not gonna help, just stay inside. Tell Mummy I said the F word then, I don’t care.

8 – Putting your marbles away– Seriously, you can open the marbles while we’re eating dinner and spill them everywhere, but you can’t bring yourself to put them away in their bag? TEETH, PJS THEN BED. I MEAN IT.


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